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About Deviant Artist Member Fredrik Grape24/Male/Sweden Recent Activity
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(Contains: sexual themes and strong language)
You're just a fat chick.

Sure, we had sex that one time,
when we were both drunk.
But I hardly remember that anyway.

I can't recall much of what we did that night, but then again, I was drunk enough that I wouldn't expect to able to either.

Someone at the party, a guy that I hardly knew, sat down next to me and told me that you'd really started to look good lately. I agreed with him, and I put on a sly smile and watched you float across the room towards me. I'd already forgotten about everybody else who were there. Then, when you turned from me, I clung to you like a fucking magnet, wondering why on earth I wasn't kissing you anymore. Not that I really knew how we got here to begin with.

Anyway, somehow we're at your place and I'm waiting for you to finish up at the bathroom. You're peeing and I'm standing about in your dark room. I have a terribly bad feeling as I feel powerless to control anything that is about to happen tonight. But I know we'll soon be fucking – which isn't that big of a deal, really.

It's just that, when we met later, at another party, why did you have to tell me that sometimes you wished your memory “wasn't as impeccable as it is”? And why did she have to tell me how much you apparently “like” me. Like this entire mess is on me. But I digress.

I woke up beside you and my first thought was to simply enjoy the moment. Your bed felt soft and your room was bright, your furniture mostly in tones of grey. I moved closer to you, felt your pale skin and short, blonde hair. I tentatively put my arms around your big, naked body. This is nice, I told myself, so why bother feeling regret? But try as I might, I couldn't shake the thought of feeling like a vulnerable little boy who's been dragged off somewhere unfamiliar and intimidating. Which doesn't even make sense. I'd done this before, sort of.

Anyway, it wasn't you I wanted then, it was, quite to the contrary, to be held by my mother – to, in her arms, be wordlessly understood and loved. Getting back to my own place would be the next best thing. But how stupid did I feel when, getting dressed, I could only find my trousers and one sock. I was even so hungover I needed your help to unlock the door to get out of your apartment.

In any way, I wonder what we did. During sex, I mean. Will you and your friends laugh over my sporadic. . . inability? I know alcohol doesn't exactly enhance my performance. Were you disgusted by the sheer amount of hair on my body? Or did I, God forbid, no. I could never. Anyway, I know I didn't use protection, but, uh, let's forget about that for now. I didn't fully understand then, anyway, that this specific memory, years later, would haunt me the most.

I honestly thought we were cool at first. I mean, I honestly told myself we were. I knew we would inevitably meet again at another social gathering with our mutual friends, and there my plan was to act like nothing had happened between us. And that seemed like a swell plan. It was only then, when we finally did meet at that other party, that I was told (not by you) how you feel about me. I bet you'd missed all the insensitive things I'd been saying about you.

Anyway, there are things I can't help wondering about. Did you know that I was almost completely out of it? Did you take me home with you even though you knew? I've been told I seem like usual until I suddenly, usually, wander off somewhere. So I'm wondering.

And I wonder what I would feel about all this if you had instead been pretty. I don't like to think that that would have made a difference, but then again, I don't suppose I would be contemplating this right now.

No, if that was the case I would have spoken proudly about that one girl that one time (and I would probably have tried to contact you later), instead of, for comic relief, explain to people how I only look sideways at girls now.

Most of all though, I can't help wondering: since I didn't use protection, did you get pregnant? If so, would you have told me? Also, if so, did you decide to keep the child? Did you then both make it through the entire pregnancy? Because that would mean, by now, I have a child out there.

At least I didn't contract an STD from you, right?
A reflection
I first wrote this little reflection of my one night stand a few years back, and I've since made a few revisions to try and better capture what I was feeling through it all. The biggest change I've made, I feel, is to remove a specific part where I say I feel like a coward for not being able to confront her. I think, now, that the fact that I couldn't (and can't) summon the courage to talk to her (at least not about the feelings I've tried to express in the piece) speaks for itself of my cowardice.

In light of these recent revisions to the text, I'll again encourage any comments and critique you can give me. I'll much appreciate it.
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deviantID

Cloudhorn
Fredrik Grape
Artist
Sweden
Current Residence: Sweden
Favourite cartoon character: Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth
Interests
  • Watching: Adventure time
It's been a while since I've been active here. And indeed since I've come back and taken a look at the work that I have posted here I've been mostly cleaning up after myself. I feel now that I didn't put as much work into my writings as I should have when I originally posted them. So atm I'm deleting some really bad stuff and moving other things to the scrapbook, but hopefully I'll be posting new things in the near future, and hopefully I will put my back into it and post stuff that I can look at later and feel proud of.

Peace

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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks very much for the :+fav: on I Don't Want Postcards. :D Happy New Year!
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:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
Happy new year!
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:icono0amphigory0o:
o0Amphigory0o Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
Thank you for the fave :D
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:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012
You're welcome!
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:iconelizabethburnside:
elizabethburnside Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
All of the admins are happy to have you a part of #TheCritiquables. If have you have any questions, feel free to ask. :)
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:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
Glad to be with you :)
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Writer
Goodness thank you for the points. :D
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:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
Not at all.
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you for the :+fav: and the watch. :D
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:iconcloudhorn:
Cloudhorn Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012
You're welcome :)
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